Stuck.

How many times have you experienced joy or excitement for something that you think is going to happen and it falls through?   Not just petty things like a new album from your favorite band coming out, then cancelled, or going to a restaurant you've planned on going to, only when you arrive they're already closed.
I'm meaning life-long goals, yearnings, things that you think God are showing you, yet they suddenly just up and leave you flat on your face.

I will admit, I am extremely excitable over things,  maybe that is my main problem.
The second most discouraging thing I've experienced lately is the fact that I've been wanting to go to school for a while, everything looked like it was about to happen, then... nope.  I try to pray through everything but it hasn't really given me much comfort lately.  In fact I've been ridiculously depressed these last few weeks.

God's got me at a spot that is really low.  No job offers or call backs, I'm barely getting by on things. The Mission is a great job, but it's just not cutting it financially.  I'm fine and dandy, but dadgummit is it easy to fall back into the "woe is me" mentality.

I would love to say all of my joy comes from the Lord, but when you feel like things are happening after asking Him if it's the right thing, things build up and then it does a ninja spin kick to the knees.

Bleh, without failure you can't grow, but I want to freaking grow already.

Struggles and insecurities

Tonight I was baptized. A public profession of my faith, something I've done before, but I was too young to understand what I was doing. I was nine or ten the first time, and basically I was doing it because I was told to and I wanted to be praised by my parents and get attention. I wasn't even a follower of Christ. Well, God I apologize for my foolishness as a child, I didn't really know any better.

It was definitely different tonight and 100% for God, but in the back of my head I'm struggling with other things. I wanted to proclaim my God is with me, but at the same time my brain is throwing me on a different path. I am so self conscious in everything I do and I invest my intentions and thoughts into something that I shouldn't, to the point of being physically stressed out.

I want to apologize to everyone, I want to be Christ like, but I get too wrapped up in myself. I really don't want to be in a bad mood, but sometimes I cannot help it. So please forgive me guys.

I just wish God could slap me in the face and yell at me when I'm about to do something foolish, or reveal to me what I'm about to do is going to hurt more than what I expect. I guess that's my pride getting in the way, even when I really thought I was being sincere and doing the right thing. Maybe it's just life and encouragement to seek God 20 million times harder before I make a decision.

Well, again, I apologize to any of you friends that I've hurt recently.

With love,
Jeff

I feel very Kenny Rogers series, minus the dove.

"I am a twenty-five year old man."  I really don't like the sound of that.

I've reached a point in my life where I really wished I could change my past, being more courageous and not such a small minded nincompoop.  Every day I feel like I have these goals in my life and if I accomplish this goal it will make my life happier,   there are many of that I've had for years now and I've accomplished none of them.

Good jobs, ladies (oh yeah.), education, and my walk with Christ.  Sadly, the walk with Christ is almost always the last option I try to work on.   

I am a twenty-five year old man-child who expects things to work for him, I get close to any one of the selections above and crumble by doing or saying something ridiculous, or having the wrong intentions.  I'm hurt, I'm lonely, and instead of talking with Christ I'd rather talk with someone I can see like they'd have a magical answer that will fix my life.

Every situation I get myself in to I feel inferior, I can pretend that I'm not, but that's just acting, and dadgummit I should get an Oscar for that sometimes.

So I guess my prayer for today is to find true joy in the things God gives me, and to stop feeling sorry for myself.

Circles

Every blog or facebook note I post, I read them a little later and realize how much I run in circles.  I always put questions that believers should ask themselves, or make decent enough points, yet when something stupid happens to me I turn into a pouty little girl.  Well here's another one!  Just kidding... kind of.

So mid march, my bosses at my second job (the brewery) decided to tell me my position was cut at the end of the month to save money for their company.  Living with my parents for so long, whenever I was laid off or in between jobs I always had faith something would come along, which it always did.  But now that I'm out on my own doing the responsible adult type things (which are stupid by the way, haha.) losing half my monthly finances caused me to get into a huge panic.  My friends have been amazing and giving, and I'm extremely thankful for that, so thank you so much to you guys.

Last week, I finally just gave up, a company that trashes you with no appreciation whatsoever does not need hours of me thinking about how stupid they are.  Not only was I way  more negative, it just was exhausting.  I finally let go last week, and literally a day after I prayed and apologized for my selfishness and acknowledged how great my God is, I get a phone call out of the blue from my boss at the bookstore.  He asked if I'd be interested in getting a permanent position at the Valley River store and bumping me to forty hours.  He also said that if I take this, it included a trip in May out to a manager training in Dallas, which will up my resume quite a bit in the future.  I said no, then continued to ask God what was going on and why He hated me.





Just kidding, I said yes and praised God.

So, what does this mean?  Jesus is great, man.  That's about it.  Things will still be a bit tight for a while, but it's amazing to see how He provides not in excess, but enough just to live for Him.  

Like I said at the beginning, I guess I just have monthly/yearly revelations about how crazy God's mercy and love can be.

A love that shows, or: a way to show a divine adoration.

I just got through my second reading of Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller, and I cannot believe how much it socked me in my gut. His stories seemed like he was ripping me off, and even said something I talked with a friend about the other week. It's not a magical book that makes you super Jesus by any means, but it definitely is a wonderful memoir that changes your perspective a bit on what a life with Christ really is about.

A few parts that really hit home was the way he expressed how to actually show love.
One story he says he was at a lecture, and the man speaking asked the audience to give metaphors for love. The audience shouted out things like "to value someone", and "love is priceless". The man then pointed out that what they called out was all financial terms. We look at loving people with the intent to get something back. It all pointed back to what unconditional love really meant.

Something that my life has taken change with since the move over here is just that, seeing how pathetic I've treated all of my relationships. Everyone has a story to tell and I wish to be like an NPR interviewer. No matter who is being interviewed, the guest is always treated with the highest respect and even adoration. From interviewing a scientist who just had a huge breakthrough with a cure or invention, to Matt Stone and Trey Parker, they're all treated like they're equal. You can tell from listening to Fresh Air, like I did so many mornings, that the interviewer and guest seems like they've known each other and are good friends, asking questions about the guest just to get to know them better. Sure, she (the interviewer) is getting paid to be like that, but that's beside the point.

I am not better than anyone and yet every day I consciously judge people that make stupid decisions or smell bad. Why is it ingrained in to our heads growing up in church to make sure we keep up with our goody Christian check lists, but spit on and gossip about the ones that fail it? I even got pointed out about doing that this morning by my good friend. When will I realize that grace is grace and that God is bigger than us doing something stupid? I thank God every day for loving me, even though I may be a fogged up reflection most of the time, I thank Him for showing me my hypocrisy.

I really want to encourage whoever is reading this to do just that, even if you find someone annoying, that really is your own fault because its you disliking the person before you even know them. Cherish every person you meet and listen to their story, don't give advice, just listen.

I have met some amazing people out here and whether or not they accept God's love is up to them. I am not a Jesus salesman, and I never want to be, but I do believe He's put them in my life for a reason. I don't know what that reason is yet, but I know they've made a definite impact in my life being my friends.


With love,

Just some lyrics I'm kicking around.

I haven't been able to write for some time. But I randomly woke up at 4am without a voice and this melody was in my head so I tried to write up something. So here it is.




A nights sleep
Some calm sheep
The fence broken and laying weak

A small crowd
A soft sound
Can they sense that somebody else is gone

The sunset is bleeding color
Has it come to this
Off white is too familiar
This night has come to an end


What kind of love have you shown
No one else seems alone

A stumble turns to a crawl
You left me in a whole
different state

You've left your grace at home
I see your smirk thats shown
The knife is pulled from my back
No one else seems alone

Numb

I've been blinded by mediocrity
Lying in a fairytale life that has lead me nowhere
I've been seeking clarity
But I'm missing the piece that completes the puzzle

My God, my God, where am I going
The next step is just behind the curtain
My Lord, my Lord, what is the meaning
I can't seem to find this desire of my heart

A promise is made and I know it is true
But I can't seem to take my eyes off of you
A yearning for love is a bitter mistake
And a lust for another is a foundation of salt

Loneliness overwhelms my spirit
I want to let go, I want to move on
But I'm chained to this misery I can't seem to break through