Stuck.

How many times have you experienced joy or excitement for something that you think is going to happen and it falls through?   Not just petty things like a new album from your favorite band coming out, then cancelled, or going to a restaurant you've planned on going to, only when you arrive they're already closed.
I'm meaning life-long goals, yearnings, things that you think God are showing you, yet they suddenly just up and leave you flat on your face.

I will admit, I am extremely excitable over things,  maybe that is my main problem.
The second most discouraging thing I've experienced lately is the fact that I've been wanting to go to school for a while, everything looked like it was about to happen, then... nope.  I try to pray through everything but it hasn't really given me much comfort lately.  In fact I've been ridiculously depressed these last few weeks.

God's got me at a spot that is really low.  No job offers or call backs, I'm barely getting by on things. The Mission is a great job, but it's just not cutting it financially.  I'm fine and dandy, but dadgummit is it easy to fall back into the "woe is me" mentality.

I would love to say all of my joy comes from the Lord, but when you feel like things are happening after asking Him if it's the right thing, things build up and then it does a ninja spin kick to the knees.

Bleh, without failure you can't grow, but I want to freaking grow already.

Struggles and insecurities

Tonight I was baptized. A public profession of my faith, something I've done before, but I was too young to understand what I was doing. I was nine or ten the first time, and basically I was doing it because I was told to and I wanted to be praised by my parents and get attention. I wasn't even a follower of Christ. Well, God I apologize for my foolishness as a child, I didn't really know any better.

It was definitely different tonight and 100% for God, but in the back of my head I'm struggling with other things. I wanted to proclaim my God is with me, but at the same time my brain is throwing me on a different path. I am so self conscious in everything I do and I invest my intentions and thoughts into something that I shouldn't, to the point of being physically stressed out.

I want to apologize to everyone, I want to be Christ like, but I get too wrapped up in myself. I really don't want to be in a bad mood, but sometimes I cannot help it. So please forgive me guys.

I just wish God could slap me in the face and yell at me when I'm about to do something foolish, or reveal to me what I'm about to do is going to hurt more than what I expect. I guess that's my pride getting in the way, even when I really thought I was being sincere and doing the right thing. Maybe it's just life and encouragement to seek God 20 million times harder before I make a decision.

Well, again, I apologize to any of you friends that I've hurt recently.

With love,
Jeff