Saturday, December 28, 2013

A rhythm of falling.

I have had the song Rhythms of Grace in my head the past few months,  it is one of my favorite songs to sing to God about who I should be, and how He is always there for me through everything even though I don't show Him the love he deserves.  A lyric from the first verse is "My life is a light for Your cause", a sentance that I should be able to boldly proclaim but the last few months I've felt incredibly dim.  

I've been struggling with anxiety and depression recently.  I do see and thank God for the blessings He's given me with my job and living situation, but I haven't felt like I've been affective in any way with the people I'm surrounded with.  It's gotten to the point where even seeing certain people makes my stomach immediately turn to a knot to the point of throwing up.  

The second line in the verse is "My will laid aside by Your call." A lot of my problems are coming from my own expectations of myself, pushing on things to happen because I'm tired of waiting around, or praying on things for months and feeling like a dream of mine is coming true and falling flat on my face with it.  With that example, I can have a million arguments on "it's not God's timing" to "God wants you to put things to action and walk with him while doing so", I've heard it all, asked it all, and answered myself to all at one point or another, and it all comes down to just walking with Him and not being selfish, and damnit I want to be selfish, a lot.

Every few months I get to this point for a week or so of just feeling useless or worn out, and I'm sure I've written about it before.   I just want to be a light again.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

My Father.

God is incredible.  His love, grace, and gentleness.  You always everyone say hear He doesn't give you more than you can handle,  He wants you to be patient and depend on Him, and I was tested pretty recently with this.

I was needing to move out of the house I was at last week.  Within a month I saved up for a deposit on a new place thanks to my job for giving me a raise and more hours, as well as my family being awesome for my birthday.  I found a little spot that if I lived there I'd be living on an extremely tight budget. My awesome boss lady tells me there's a position for a low income/developmental disability housing on site manager that I should apply for, working three hours a day for an apartment to stay in.  I do it, and literally a day before I was supposed to be out I'm called for an interview.  Meanwhile, the little apartments I was looking at finally answer their phone and tell me I'm approved on the way over for the meeting.  I'm okay with it, I don't really think much about what I'm going to at this point, thinking that the chances of me getting this would be slim and the move in date would probably be a while.  I pray, I'm unusually comfortable and almost numb walking in to the building, and the interview starts.

The main supervisor is a guy I've met a few times doing volunteer work over at the Mission, it's my boss lady's husband, incredibly nice guy.  We start talking about usual interview stuff, how to handle situations and conflict etc., next thing you know it's been almost two hours, they ask me to go check out the apartment to see if I'd even be interested.  We head over, and it's huge.  The place is so nice compared to what I was originally looking at.  They pull me to the side and tell me that they've interviewed a number of people before me and I apparently nailed the interview.  They then told me I would get the key to the place that day if I wanted the job.

I said no.

The end.

Not really, I tried to hold back the excitement and be normal, but on the inside I was about to explode with happiness.  After three years of being out from Alabama, this is the first time I'll be on my feet financially and be able to help with things I've dreamed of.  Jesus, through my boss, just dropped a major blessing on me and I don't even know what to do now.  I'm used to having to fight through things, yes God has kept his hand on me throughout this with everyone in my Crash family helping me out (which I am eternally grateful for), but it's nice to see ahead of me without being a burden on anyone else.

With these blessings, I still see my friends hurting with various troubles, some major, some minor, but in the end it all comes down to patience and depending on Jesus.  I ask you guys to pray for us all out here, there's a lot of pain that needs to be healed, financially, emotionally, and physically.  We can't get anywhere without God, and i there are a lot of battles ongoing and ahead of us.  So keep us strong!  I've not done everything right since I've been here, and still God just slaps me in the face with love right at the last minute.

Love you guys,

Tuesday, April 23, 2013


How many times have you experienced joy or excitement for something that you think is going to happen and it falls through?   Not just petty things like a new album from your favorite band coming out, then cancelled, or going to a restaurant you've planned on going to, only when you arrive they're already closed.
I'm meaning life-long goals, yearnings, things that you think God are showing you, yet they suddenly just up and leave you flat on your face.

I will admit, I am extremely excitable over things,  maybe that is my main problem.
The second most discouraging thing I've experienced lately is the fact that I've been wanting to go to school for a while, everything looked like it was about to happen, then... nope.  I try to pray through everything but it hasn't really given me much comfort lately.  In fact I've been ridiculously depressed these last few weeks.

God's got me at a spot that is really low.  No job offers or call backs, I'm barely getting by on things. The Mission is a great job, but it's just not cutting it financially.  I'm fine and dandy, but dadgummit is it easy to fall back into the "woe is me" mentality.

I would love to say all of my joy comes from the Lord, but when you feel like things are happening after asking Him if it's the right thing, things build up and then it does a ninja spin kick to the knees.

Bleh, without failure you can't grow, but I want to freaking grow already.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Struggles and insecurities

Tonight I was baptized. A public profession of my faith, something I've done before, but I was too young to understand what I was doing. I was nine or ten the first time, and basically I was doing it because I was told to and I wanted to be praised by my parents and get attention. I wasn't even a follower of Christ. Well, God I apologize for my foolishness as a child, I didn't really know any better.

It was definitely different tonight and 100% for God, but in the back of my head I'm struggling with other things. I wanted to proclaim my God is with me, but at the same time my brain is throwing me on a different path. I am so self conscious in everything I do and I invest my intentions and thoughts into something that I shouldn't, to the point of being physically stressed out.

I want to apologize to everyone, I want to be Christ like, but I get too wrapped up in myself. I really don't want to be in a bad mood, but sometimes I cannot help it. So please forgive me guys.

I just wish God could slap me in the face and yell at me when I'm about to do something foolish, or reveal to me what I'm about to do is going to hurt more than what I expect. I guess that's my pride getting in the way, even when I really thought I was being sincere and doing the right thing. Maybe it's just life and encouragement to seek God 20 million times harder before I make a decision.

Well, again, I apologize to any of you friends that I've hurt recently.

With love,

Friday, February 15, 2013

I feel very Kenny Rogers series, minus the dove.

"I am a twenty-five year old man."  I really don't like the sound of that.
I've reached a point in my life where I really wished I could change my past, being more courageous and not such a small minded nincompoop.  Every day I feel like I have these goals in my life and if I accomplish this goal it will make my life happier,   there are many of that I've had for years now and I've accomplished none of them.

Good jobs, ladies (oh yeah.), education, and my walk with Christ.  Sadly, the walk with Christ is almost always the last option I try to work on.   

I am a twenty-five year old man-child who expects things to work for him, I get close to any one of the selections above and crumble by doing or saying something ridiculous, or having the wrong intentions.  I'm hurt, I'm lonely, and instead of talking with Christ I'd rather talk with someone I can see like they'd have a magical answer that will fix my life.

Every situation I get myself in to I feel inferior, I can pretend that I'm not, but that's just acting, and dadgummit I should get an Oscar for that sometimes.

So I guess my prayer for today is to find true joy in the things God gives me, and to stop feeling sorry for myself.