Saturday, December 28, 2013

A rhythm of falling.

I have had the song Rhythms of Grace in my head the past few months,  it is one of my favorite songs to sing to God about who I should be, and how He is always there for me through everything even though I don't show Him the love he deserves.  A lyric from the first verse is "My life is a light for Your cause", a sentance that I should be able to boldly proclaim but the last few months I've felt incredibly dim.  

I've been struggling with anxiety and depression recently.  I do see and thank God for the blessings He's given me with my job and living situation, but I haven't felt like I've been affective in any way with the people I'm surrounded with.  It's gotten to the point where even seeing certain people makes my stomach immediately turn to a knot to the point of throwing up.  

The second line in the verse is "My will laid aside by Your call." A lot of my problems are coming from my own expectations of myself, pushing on things to happen because I'm tired of waiting around, or praying on things for months and feeling like a dream of mine is coming true and falling flat on my face with it.  With that example, I can have a million arguments on "it's not God's timing" to "God wants you to put things to action and walk with him while doing so", I've heard it all, asked it all, and answered myself to all at one point or another, and it all comes down to just walking with Him and not being selfish, and damnit I want to be selfish, a lot.

Every few months I get to this point for a week or so of just feeling useless or worn out, and I'm sure I've written about it before.   I just want to be a light again.

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